THE THINGS I AM AFRAID TO TELL YOU

1) While I feel like I keep myself together as a mom and wife, sometimes I feel defeated. This happens most often if my son is overtired and comes home with a negative, defeated attitude. (This is extraordinarily rare, thank God.)

My daughter is a little over a year and sometimes her teeth hurt and she becomes miserable. After trying and trying to console her, she just needs to suck on an ice toy and we have to take time to regroup. Sometimes, we sit down as a family to do something and without a doubt, something needs to be done and I have to get up to do it. My husband tries hard, but us women see the things men don’t, and therefore, some days the little domestic things are as heavy as a car.

Why I’m afraid to tell you this: my family is my everything. I feel ashamed that my patience wears so thin with the loves of my life.

2) Sometimes I give up on trying to keep everything out of my toddler’s mouth. Here’s the thing… I LOVE to clean. And when I say I love it, I mean that I find it therapeutic. You know how people find satisfaction in those pimple popping videos? I find satisfaction in cleaning. It’s seeing the results!

Because I love to clean, I exhaust myself dusting and mopping and vacuuming. And Clorox wipes? They are my BEST FRIEND! On a daily basis, I’m making sure the floor is clean. Plus, it helps that we do not wear shoes in our house. It is always socks, slippers, or bare feet, so no risk of outdoor debris on our floors.

When my toddler is walking along and sees a needle in a haystack, she’ll find something and put it in her mouth. It never fails. I rush over to clean it out but sometimes, I know what she is seeing is the piece of thread or a speck that is harmless. Come on now, I’d never ever let harm come her way. When I know that floor is spruced up, she is fine.

Why I am afraid to tell you this: I don’t want anyone to think I’d ever let my children face harm.

3) I nap (almost) every day. I should tell you that I have had a chronic sleeping problem since I was a kid. I’ve had sleep studies done, and there is no medical reason why I don’t sleep. (FYI: even without a nap, I still don’t sleep.) No, I don’t take and never have taken medicine to help. Yes, I’ve tried meditation, soft music, lack of screen time around bedtime, exercise at different times, etc. No, I am not anxious or thinking about the world’s problems when I am awake. I just cannot sleep. When my daughter goes down for her morning nap, I sleep too. My naps are only 20 minutes but they make the world a better place for me.

Why do I feel fearful telling you this? I think stay-at-home moms have the reputation of sleeping a lot. People view them as extremely hard working and worthy, but the stereotype is that they sit around and take naps and “it must be nice” to stay home. This stereotyping bothers me and therefore, it is hard for me to admit I do take a short nap whenever possible.

4) Sometimes I sense and see spirits. No, I don’t see ghosts. No, I don’t communicate with them. In varying ways (rainbows, blowing in my ear, shadows, signs, etc.) I know someone is with me. It most often happens when I am alone with my baby girl and we are in the living room. It is clear to me that there is an angel sent from the Lord to protect her and for whatever reason, the Lord has blessed me with the ability to see and sense them. No, I am not afraid, but if it saw them full-on, I would be!

Why am I nervous to tell you this? Opinions on humans connecting with “the other side” before death is a taboo subject. I am extremely spiritual. Jesus is my Lord and Savior and oftentimes, people affiliate the dark side with psychics, mediums, or whatever I see.

Years ago, I was touched by Portia de Rossi’s book, Unbearable Lightness. The core message of the book is to live out the worse possible scenario because once you’ve done that, things can only go up. What if we all confessed a few of our ”taboo” subjects? Let’s be free!

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