SUMMERTIME STRUCTURE

We’re midway through summer. How are you surviving? As always, time has flown. I am pretty sure school just ended yesterday!

I think kids are asked to do an awful lot during the school year. It’s not as much the work as it is the lack of anytime for recreation. No wonder the 20-minute kickball recess game is so crucial for my son. I mean, school standards would take days to discuss, and that’s not this blog! I will just say with all the school-work for nearly 10 months, I love the summer break!

I want my kids home. I miss them. When summer arrives, I feel like a weight has been lifted. I admit that it is at least, in part, the lack of homework and strict routine. However, we keep some of a routine in the summer because it just never works to get back into the routine the day before.

My son’s summer has been particularly busy because he played All-Star baseball until the tail end of July. He had practice or games night after night, including weekends. This is the first year we sent him to day-camp, too. Okay, I admit that helps. Most of all, it convicts me of the power of scheduling. Hear me out here.

For my household, we have a lunchtime hour. We usually all eat within that timeframe. Same with snacks. And our household errands typically fall in the morning. For my toddler, the mealtimes are crucial. For my older child, he needs to know what to expect as the day progresses. It’s made a world of difference. If he wants to do something out of the ordinary, we’re able to fit in it and it becomes extra-special. Call it silly or petty, but it is what works for us.

I also believe in asking for help. Sometimes errands and priorities cannot be done with kids in tow. It’s okay, we’re being honest and real here. However, if you’re like most and money is tight, who has the means to do things without the kids? I suggest asking a parent or friend to do a summertime child-care swap with you. And hey, if you can swing an occasional babysitter, call a college kid home that’s home for break who would love to provide childcare (even on occasion) for a summer job.

DO SELF-CARE!

 

Boundaries means that we are clear—both with ourselves and others—what is okay for us. If you need 20 minutes, take it! (I know, we need more like an hour, right?) I worked literally nonstop the last few weeks editing. I exhausted myself because I love it, but I know I needed to take a night off. I put my head down and worked. When I caught up and had one free night, I sat back and relaxed. And you know what? One evening meant I rested up and was able to fully give myself to the job the next day. We need that as parents too. Take care of yourself.

HOW AND WHY INCENTIVES IN PARENTING IS BETTER THAN BRIBERY

Bribery and Incentives: Powerful concepts in parenting, am I right?

Before I blog about this, you should know that I’m just like you… I am doing the best that I can as a parent. I succeed, I fail, I cheer them on, I cry, I push for excellence, I hug them when they’re struggling, I ache for them when they are learning a tough lesson but they need to learn it. I am just a learner and grower like you. I do not have the one and only answer. I do, however, learn through experience and want to share something I’ve experienced and read about on bribery or incentives.

Personally, I’ve heard it’s not good to use bribes. I absolutely get that. As my maturity as a mom has progressed, I am better at saying no in those moments or at least to not offering bribes. Let’s face it, we give a considerate and compassionate nod to the other mom dealing with a breakdown in the grocery store. We’ve been there, we understand. No worries lady over in aisle 2, we are not judging. It’ll pass. I’m praying for you!

However, when you’re “this” close to completing an excruciating task and your child decides that right then and there is a good time to have a behavior? Hello bribery! When you can seriously see the gosh darn finish line, a quick bribe of a treat to just finish that last 4 minutes is the solution … or so we thought, think, will believe… (as we silently plead with our child to please, for the sake of sanity, stop and let us finish).

USE INCENTIVES INSTEAD

How about using incentives instead of bribes? Incentives are powerful. They serve as encouragers to certain behaviors in kids. They can motivate to alter behavior and to continue the better behavior.

Here’s how incentives are different from bribes, and how to use them effectively.

An incentive is the conversation ahead is time. It is the clear direction that this event will be taking place and this is what is expected. You and your child talk about – and agree on – the behavior and incentive ahead of time.

These incentives are based on your child’s interests. Is kickball in the backyard for thirty minutes something your child likes? Perhaps suggesting this for completing homework would work. What if your child dislikes grocery shopping but can visit the bookstore afterwards if they cooperate during the former?

Bribes teach children that bad behavior will get them a reward. Incentives help children work toward a goal and celebrate their successes. It isn’t wise to use incentives for everything. That’d be overkill and focusing on a few “need to improve” behaviors would be wiser.

As a side note: I once heard that it isn’t good to teach children they’ll be rewarded for doing things. (Tie your shoes, get a prize!) I agree. Some things just need to be done!! But, I also heard that it is smart to teach them the value of work. Earn stars for clearing the table, stars earn a movie night. Incentives in a different form!

So I go back to my first thought. What is your take on bribes or incentives? Again, as I’ve become a more seasoned parent, I’m much better at persevering through the behavior. But I’m also light years wiser about setting clear standards and boundaries ahead of time.

Incentives are also helpful when there is an adjustment to be made. When plans change or life happens or in this case, work happens, we find incentives help. When my husband travels for work, he often promises an incentive if our kids get sad he has to be away for the weekend. He’ll offer something like one-on-one time or build-a-fort time with daddy when he returns from work. These are nice because it gives the kids something to look forward to. It also helps me to remind them if they get sad. I also offer special mommy and me time to our kids so they can have fun even while daddy is working hard for us. These are healthy forms of incentives.

What are your thoughts on incentives or bribery? I just offered an incentive this past week. I received my copies of my new book! So exciting! My son wanted to take one to school to show his teacher. Because the book does not launch until June 1, (here on my website http://www.thefelicityfoxhouse.com or http://www.bn.com or http://www.amazon.com Search: WHERE THE HOLIDAYS GO FELICITY FOX) I cannot let copies out yet. But, I could let him take a copy to show his wonderful teacher. After all, she wrote a beautiful endorsement for said book and will be receiving an influencer copy from me on June 1. I wanted to allow my son to take a copy in for the day. However, I needed to show him it was a privilege and he’d need to take good care of it. I told him if he could do those things, he could have the book to keep. (He has asked for the copy. I swear he is my biggest “kid” fan!!!!!) You know what? At the end of the day, that incentive paid off. He arrived home with the book in perfect condition.

#Incentives #parenting #wheretheholidaysgo

FINDING TIME TO CONNECT AS A FAMILY

Last week a friend told me that she felt like her life was flying by. (We all feel this way, huh?) She said it is important for her to connect with her teenage daughter. The issue is their schedules are so booked, that she doesn’t have the energy or even moments to really talk. (She is a single parent, struggling to work, keep her home in order, raise a teenager, and keep her sanity!)

Eventually, she realized the school drop off is the one time of day they can truly talk. Her daughter gets out of the car feeling loved and cherished. My friend heads off to work feeling she is winning at parenting.

Life gets completely busy when you’re not a parent. When you ARE a parent, the definition of “busy” changes. I am a mom and wife. For me, I have to do little tasks in between diaper changes, paragraph edits, cooking dinner, and helping with homework. Because of the business I am in, it is imperative that I have excellent customer service. I will return messages within 24 hours! Sometimes, that means I have to stop in my tracks to just do it! I stop the dishes and the laundry and get it done.

Before children, I had designated times to do these things. Talk about juggling.

So how can we find time to connect as a family if we are constantly on the go? Recently, I felt a real connect and surprise, surprise, it was when we disconnected from our electronics. We had a rainy afternoon and my son’s Little League game was cancelled. My husband happens to coach his team. Suddenly, we were free so we went out to dinner.

As we sat down to dinner, we were without electronics. My husband left his phone home. We had my phone with me out of just being safe (if we broke down or anything), but it was in my purse and never touched. My son didn’t have any device. We were just a family.

That dinner was special! We talked. We related. We laughed. We made EYE CONTACT. Our conversations were real. We had funny moments that touched our hearts when our one year old made a funny face when she didn’t like a certain food. How special.

We vowed to unplug. We plan to do this once a week. Maybe some weeks we just can’t if we cannot sit together for dinner, but we all felt the connection and long for it.

Do you see a pattern of connection when you unplug in your family? Are there times each day or week when you can communicate with your family?

In today’s fast-paced world, it can be a challenge to find times to connect. You might try unplugging during a meal. Maybe a game night is the trick. Maybe taking a drive is what it’ll take. You know just taking a simple walk is the key. (Health and connection all in one!)

What works for your family?

THE ANNUAL CHRISTMAS GIFT BOX & THANKSGIVING CRAFT

I have six beautiful nieces and nephews. Christmas is fun to surprise the kids with gifts. (I feel like Santa Claus) My nephews are typically routine to buy for-games or gift cards or science exploration kits. I guess it’s easier to both for them, but the girls? This is where I get creative and have far more fun making things! I locate an oversized box to begin the fun. I get large Christmas gift bags from the dollar store. I go online to a store like Kohl’s or Target or Walmart to order the girls a matching outfit or pajamas. (This requires a text to my sister in laws for correct sizes)

It has proven challenging in the last few years to locate matching clothing. My oldest niece will be thirteen this week so she is not in a child’s size any longer. I have found “family pajamas” (usually from Kohls.com) is my best bet.

I order the outfits and brainstorm their homemade gift. That’s right-I hand make them something each year. One year it was a cross stitch of their names. This year I am making them scarves via “loop-it” from Michael’s.

My good friend runs a side business making hair bows and ribbons for all ages. I support her each year through the purchase of matching hair attire for the girls. I hit Five Below or the dollar bins at Target or sometimes the dollar store to get pencils, erasers, pencil holders, fun little girlie notebooks, etc. I stuff those little bags right up with whatever I can find to bless them.

The bags fit inside the box and together, they open the box on Christmas Eve at my parents house. My baby girl has been in on this gift the last two years, despite her oblivion to what Christmas is or what the gifts mean yet.

It works perfectly well for me to orchestra a group, matching gift. In my case, we celebrate with my side of the family on Christmas Eve. I greatly appreciate my parents for this, by the way. They appreciate that we want to be in our own homes to watch our kids come down the stairs Christmas morning. They respect our new traditions so they have us all come over on Christmas Eve. Plus, how fun for all of us to celebrate before Christmas? It is the most joyous day of the year!

When the girls open the gift each year, they look forward to whatever I came up with. They expect it now. All the gifts from everyone are genuinely beautiful, mine are no better. It is just one that they know it’s going to be something unique, and they seem to enjoy the camaraderie of it all. I happen to think it’d be difficult to try to price match for the girls too. It wouldn’t seem fair to purchase a $15 game for one niece, a $25 outfit for another niece, and a $30 gift card for the other. It is simple and fun and beautiful to see their eyes light up for the gifts I hand made, and took the time to think through, is special to me.

(My daughter is in on these things and will eventually understand too). I recall years past when I’ve seen a photo of nieces in their matching pajamas and it makes me cry tears of joy, every time. Maybe this means I’m the “coolest aunt?” 🤞

The other tradition I created years ago is the Thanksgiving Craft. I search Pinterest for a holiday craft. Sometimes it is Christmas-related and sometimes Thanksgiving-related. When we celebrate, I come prepared with a step-by-step craft for my three nieces and my son. I spend days cutting special pieces of construction paper into shapes, purchasing glue for each child, using a Zip-Loc bag to bundle it all together. Again, does this make me the “cool aunt?” 😂

The above photo is of my gorgeous nieces in their scarves that I made! They came out pretty good. They’re super, duper soft!

Bottom line? I love my nephews and nieces!! I am the blessed one to have them.

HOW TO SURVIVE NIGHTLY HOMEWORK

As a parent, it is always more than worth it. And when I say more than worth it, I don’t mean it in the way someone might say that about maybe remodeling a room or working toward a promotion at work. While those are important, in my life, when I’ve said that expression, I’ve never meant it as much as I do in regards to parenthood.

Parenthood is the most exhausting, insanely best job in the entire world. I honest to goodness would give my life to keep my children safe, regardless. I have no hesitation in my heart at the thought. As far as I know, any parent would do the same for their children.

While I feel like I am fairly patient and attentive, even blissfully attentive a good portion of the time, I’d hate to think of the lack of help if I were alone. I have a supportive husband who sincerely helps. (I’ve heard stories of some spouses that aren’t as helpful). Homework alone is an exhausting daily ritual. My son is good about getting to his homework and doesn’t complain about that part, but sometimes math is challenging and honestly, after seven hours in school, sometimes he just wants to be done. I cannot blame him whatsoever. Some days it is brutal. How would I do it alone? How do single parents do it alone?

Do you have a specified homework time? We adhere to a few things.

1) When my son gets home, he washes his hands (keep those germs away!), gets a drink and a snack, and then settles right in for homework.

2) We consistently have him do his homework at the kitchen table to avoid distractions.

3) My husband or I sit right with him right now. He is in third grade so the homework requires us to be right there with him.

4) When one subject is done, I offer a few minute break if he wants one. (Typically he wants to get things done so he won’t take a break).

5) We go over the homework problem by problem to ensure it’s correct.

Yep, I actually feel like this photo some nights once homework is done. I think I should run a lap and stretch out my arms, scream and cheer in the sunlight, and dance around. Maybe my son should be doing the dance and celebration race for actually doing the work, but keeping the patience and diligence as a parent? Celebration worthy!

What are you tips or tricks? This isn’t to say it’s a perfect situation every single night. Sometimes he just doesn’t feel like it and isn’t positive about it. But, that consistency does wonders for our household.

ARE YOU LIVING YOUR LIFE, OR WATCHING IT SLIP ON BY?

An ear piercing scream, earth-shattering news, and the sequence of beeps on TV. These sounds are startling, frightening, and make time stop. There seems to be complete silence for a minute afterward until fear takes over.

It can be a non-tragic issue like a continuous crying child who cannot sleep due to congestion and illness. Perhaps a storm is sweeping through the area, warning of damaging winds and power outages. It could be medically-related lousy news.
The common denominator is the shift in priorities we experience at the onset of the beep, crash, or scream. Suddenly, my housecleaning, clothes sorting, and carpet shampooing do not matter. The things that matter are my sick baby, getting everyone safely to the basement, researching doctors and treatments.

Have things occurred that moved your heart? It seems that our needs do not matter much in the light of these moments. I imagine most people who’ve lived through national or personal tragedies take pause. When 9/11 happened, my plans disappeared. My heart wanted my family to know I loved them. I tried to help. When my daughter grew ill the other day and clung to me, nothing else mattered.

These moments gets us out of our heads, to wake up and “smell the coffee.” I question who I can serve and how can I help. While we would never ask for hardships to happen, our loyalties and priorities become apparent when rough things fall on our laps. Could tangibly tricky situations occur to remind us to put down the routine nuances and breathe in those things we love the most? Why not focus on those things in our everyday lives and not wait for a tragedy to strike? How do your feelings shift when these episodes occur?

When we are in our last days, what beautiful memories will we reflect on? I can guarantee we won’t be thinking that our house was clean. Will we think about our job? Probably not. Will we think about the bad things? Chances are we will think about how much we want our loved ones to know we love them. We will regret holding grudges. We will wish we’d gone out to dinner that night instead of staying in because we didn’t have the energy.

Tim McGraw’s beautiful song, “Live Like You Were Dying” speaks to all these things. Before his dad passed away, he went sky diving and Rocky Mountain climbing. He gave forgiveness he’d been denying. He watched an eagle as it was flying-the simplest thing brought joy to his heart.

I admit I like a clean house. Actually, I love to clean. I find it therapeutic. However, with two young children, it isn’t easy to keep things in order. If I busy myself around the house, I miss the precious time with my babies. When they’re off to bed, I feel sad. I wish I’d spent that time with them instead of cleaning. Obviously don’t neglect your home, but my advice, whether you want it or take it is entirely up to you, but I’d recommend living life while it’s yours to live.

Thoughts?

WHAT IS THE BEST FORM OF COMMUNICATION?

To text or not to text, that is the question. When it comes to my every day life, I am the biggest advocate for texting. When I am feeding my daughter while simultaneously helping my son with his homework, I cannot possibly hold a phone. I can text, however, and take a few minutes amidst the conversation. 

Before autocorrect, we used slang terms such as “b4.” Fortunately, now we have predictive text and corrections that take place while we type. It is a good thing for the newer helpers on phones. My parents could not follow texting slang because they are only recent texters. Despite grammatical advances, it is not a perfect science. Inevitably, mistakes happen, and we overlook them.

Texting leaves a ton of room for error. We can quickly qlose emotion, facial expressions, body language, and eye contact. Without these, it is easy to misunderstand the context of the text. I imagine as a boyfriend and girlfriend, the absence of emotion could be frustrating. If we have the communication issue via text, what about an expression via text that is open for interpretation?

These are amusing examples, but these happened to me. When watching a baseball game, the commentator said, “two away.” It was bedtime, so I had the volume low. When the closed captioning said ”two away” I thought he meant two away from being done with the inning, when in fact he meant there were two outs.

The next example is a text from my dad regarding his coffee. He wrote, “light cream.” I thought that meant only use a little, to go light on it. Truthfully, he intended for the coffee to appear light, to use a more than usual amount of cream. Do you have examples of these nuisances?

On a more significant level, it makes me wonder what I may have missed because of these interpretations or misread texts. I vow to be more mindful of this from now on! (When I just inserted the exclamation point, do you feel I mean what I say more than if I put a period at the end?) Do we put that much faith in exclamation points? I admit because I want to be sincere, I use exclamation points probably more often than I should.

Face to face conversation is refreshing. The eye to eye contact, physical hug, a listening ear, and lack of room for misinterpretation are the best form of communication when a real, heart to heart conversation needs to take place.

What is your opinion or experience?